Ok so I never heard those words from Issac, (aka MizHeather to all you T Lo followers!) But I think she said enough anyway. Thursday night I made my quick and suspicious exit on TFS. And since it's a breath of fresh air to not have to say "Watch What Happens" anymore, I'm excited to share my thoughts (even though I did a ton of blog interviews already!) Because being on a reality show is an experience unlike any other. And unless you've been on one, it's really hard to relate.
First, I want to say "Thank You!" to all of the Bravo producers and directors, the 3Ball Productions team, and all of my family and friends. Without all of you, I wouldn't have graced your tv screens for two weeks. Hugs for all!
I guess the beginning is a good place to start? The audition process was actually a breeze. (Despite what my parents think, pink hair totally helps when you're showing off your portfolio!) A colleague had called me the day of the audition and I showed up the last five minutes of the casting. Before I knew it, the opportunity sort of fell in my lap; I was chosen out of thousands for one of fifteen spots on TFS. It was a very nerve-wracking decision to make - I don't know about you but leaving your husband, family & friends, and your new business behind for five weeks caused many sleepless nights. But the lure of the unknown and life-changing possibilities won and I was suddenly faced with a new task: Organizing and arranging everything in my life so that it may carry on. Without me. And in that moment, I realized what it would feel like to know when you're going to die.
Packing was frustrating to say the least. How do you pack five weeks into two suitcases? Answer: I bought those airtight bags! Sure, my clothes were all wrinkled, but I was able to stuff so much in my suitcase, I wouldn't wear the same outfit twice the entire five weeks! The hardest part, though, came when the hubs left me at the airport. I could barely look at him for fear I'd burst into tears. Which I did anyway. He was so supportive, excited, and scared for me all at the same time. But the great guy that he is, told me to keep focus on my goal: show the young fashionista's of the world that being green can look good. (I spent all day filling orders, so mission accomplished?)
In the blink of an eye, I was removed from my bubble and put into the 'show bubble'. The reality of my new environment was very surreal. I was privy to most of the rules via my contract: no cell phones, laptops, iPods, magazines, etc. I was with people I didn't know and in situations I couldn't prepare for. I wasn't in control of anything from when I slept and ate to what the medium of the project was. And for someone who runs their own business, that was tough. When the competition started, any game plan I had went out the window. Instead, I dove into the first Mini Challenge with the rest of the characters. It truly was a weird summer camp but I quickly distracted myself with the hum of the industrial sewing machines. I heart Juki.
I made a great LBD with pockets and then a cute ensemble for the main challenge. The tube dress was my concept. In theory, it should have been made from jersey, but I didn't lead the team now did I? And like I said in my Bravo Blog, unless my design was executed correctly, it wouldn't work. And don't even get me started on grading patterns so that it fits your model and she can walk. Pattern Drafting 101 guys! You've all seen the episode, so let's skip to the juicy part. At elimination I was in the bottom two! (On No!/WTF?) How did the best concept loose? Maybe we should have listened to the feedback and advice from the judges. Wait, what feed back? I respect Eli Tahari - I think he's great, sure. Fern Mallis was totally on my side and saw where I was coming from.... she's the kind of critic I design for. As for MizHeather's comments, they made for good t.v. Oh and Kelly. I sit front row to a lot of rock concerts and my husband rocks out on stage to crowds all the time, but that doesn't make me music critic. I think she just needs an organiK tube dress... :) Ok so fine if you wouldn't wear my look because it's 'too young' (never mind that 'young' is my target market), but who would wear Merlin's circus-of-a-costume? Really?
Look, I appreciate criticism. I wouldn't be able to refine my skills as a designer if I didn't take criticism! Actually, my favorite instructor in college was a woman named Yoshi who formerly worked for Issey Miyake, and I really can't remember ever getting positive feedback from her. Now, Yoshi was always very tactful about it, but her constant criticism improved my skills. It made me think more, work harder, and do better. And it made me graduate with a BFA and a 4.0. And come to think of it, Yoshi never told me to switch majors or drop out.
It played out on t.v. with me in the bottom two. I was saved with the words "You're hanging by a thread." Cute, but since I'm kind of a no strings attached girl, I bowed out. Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't the comments or the people or even the competition that made my decision. The show bubble environment I was in was not beneficial for me physically, mentally, or emotionally. I realized my limits and didn't want to waste my time or theirs if it wasn't a good fit. Nothing could have prepared me for this. And there was no way of knowing ahead of time I wouldn't be able to cope. We're all human, built the same, but wired differently. Bottom line - I'm a fashion designer and business woman... not a reality star or tv personality. And it's important for me to be in a situation where I can be those things with out limitations and without eccentric personalities to distract from my ultimate goal. So I went straight home.
On the plane to NYC, I wrote this in my journal:
"Changing the course of your life is scary. I finally understand why people don't take risks. I understand why people do things like live in the same town they grew up in. It's flat out frightening, scaring the shit out of you. But maybe I'm over doing it. Maybe my life won't change at all."
And when I think about those words now and I think about all I'd been through since I wrote it, I think two things:
1. No matter how exciting, changing your life is scary. But if I let the scary win, and if I never took some of the risks I took, I would have missed out some of the best (and/or worst) things in my life. If I let the scary win, I might not have fallen in love and gotten married. I might not have become obsessed with sea food. I would never have studied French and travelled to Paris. I wouldn't know that I hate dirty martini's. (Thanks/Sorry Stubhy.) And I never would have been a contestant on a reality show.
And 2. I was right... my life didn't change. Sure I have this weird experience to tell my kids about, and yes, I'm doing things like interviews that I didn't do before, but that's not my life. I'm still Kristin... I'm still Ramzi's wife, Ralph and Vita's daughter, Andy's little sister and Nicholas' big sister, b.f.f. to Angel Cake and Ginger Snap. That's my life and it's exactly the same.
People have called my experience many things: a chance of a life-time, an adventure, an amazing opportunity. It was all of that and none of that. I'm 23 and I was on a reality show. I come from a good, strong foundation. I know what my values and morals are, and I knew I didn't belong there. The world saw me for a few seconds, but how much can you base a few seconds on? If anyone is going to be a successful designer, if anyone is going to be a successful human being, it's going to take more than doing well on a reality show. Maybe everyone just needs to look a little deeper... I certainly did. And I found that everything I need to be successful, I've got it sitting in my own backyard.
